November 5, 2008


He’s just like John F. Kennedy!  (Russians are already putting nuclear weapons on the EU border).  He’s just like Jimmy Carter!  (The stock market is already tanking.)  He’s just like Bill Clinton!  (Obama picks Clinton appointee, and shady Chicago political fixer Rahm Emmanuel as Chief of Staff.) 

I’m happy for the black folks who are excited to see a guy with dark skin in the biggest job in the country.  I’m happy for the little black kids who can aspire to the biggest job in the world. 

But the (white) idiots screaming outside my window last night?  The (white) morons I saw riding down the street yelling on a motorcycle, wrapped in a (stolen) flag?  The (white) dipsh*ts that rioted in downtown Portland last night?  Not so happy for them.   And I see they waved a communist Russia flag in D.C. last night.

I’ll give Obama credit, he got over 50% of the US. vote, something no Democrat has done since Johnson in 1964.  The problem is, now Obama can’t be criticized.  The U.S. press just became the biggest P.R. firm in the world.

Sorry, I’m not feeling very funny today.  And Michael Crichton died.  (Today’s front pages here)


Cheer up, whitey!

November 4, 2008



Buck up, there caucasians!  Yes, Barack Obama is going to be the leader of the free world, but we had a nice run!  And when it comes to presidential politics, we still have a comfortable 43-1 lead.   And that’s a helluva cushion.

And, might I remind you, the Boston Celtics won the NBA championship.  So these things kinda even out.

Caucasians still dominate country music, winter sports, sweater modeling, and syrup harvesting.   Who creates 98% of our nation’s clown paintings?  That’s right, caucasians.

If there were no caucasians, there would be no Mama’s Family, no Entertainment Tonight, no JAG.  Bulls would go unridden.  Yodeling halls silenced.  Peroxide, unsplashed.

Canada would disappear.  The Wheel of Fortune would spin no more.  Millions of dogs would still have their plums, because Bob Barker would never have existed.


We still have Steve Nash.  We still have Danny Bonaduce. 

So cheer up caucasians.  We’re still doing pretty good.

Munster Me

October 31, 2008


Is there anything in the world GREATER than a man, dressed up like a Frankenstein, dressed up like a cowboy?  (Answer:  No.)

There was so many great things about the Munsters…from the car (DRAG-U-LA!), to the theme, to the guest stars (look, it’s Paul Lynde!).  There’s a dragon under the stairs!  Herman’s playing baseball!  (And Leo Durocher wants to sign him to the Dodgers!)  Marilyn thinks SHE’S the one scaring off the boys!  Herman’s a BEATNIK!

Fred Gwynne created one of the oddest, silliest characters in television history, but was a pretty serious guy himself.  He was a Harvard grad, who served in the Navy in World War II, and had a fairly serious stage career, before putting on the 4 inch heels (he was 6’5″ without ’em), and 40 the pounds of padding, that helped him create Herman.  Gwynne had couple of other memorable roles, in the Steven King film “Pet Sematary“, and in “My Cousin Vinny” (Costanza:  “I hate that Judge!”), but most folks identified him with Herman.  He didn’t seem bitter about it, though, and said “… I might as well tell you the truth. I love old Herman Munster. Much as I try not to, I can’t stop liking that fellow”.  How could you not like him?  That laugh!  His tantrums!  Gold.

Hate to be an old coot, (“EVERYTHING WAS BETTER BEFORE!”) but it’s a shame that despite the fact that there’s 10 or 15 networks making original programming these days, TV shows all seem to be a rehash of something else.  But the Munsters?  It was totally unique!  Except for the Addams family.  Which ALSO ran from 1964-1966.  But the Addams family sucked, so let’s move on.

Despite being on the air for just two seasons, the show was very profitable in syndication (they made 70 episodes in two seasons!), and merchandising.  

But strangely enough, it was the caped crusader that killed the Munsters.  In 1966, Batman (in color!) crushed the Munsters in the ratings, and knocked it off the air.  I could go on and on and on (there were two Marilyns…the original pilot was in colorEddie Munster/Cape FearThe Munsters Today remake…) but my cheap basic basic cable is featuring the Munsters ALL DAY on WGN, and I wanna watch it.  Happy Halloween!

The Brilliance of Twain

October 30, 2008

Imagine if the NBA advertised tonight’s matchup between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Charlotte Hornets this way:  “Cleveland to beat Charlotte by four points tonight”.

How many people do you think would show up at Cleveland’s Fast Cash Payday Loans Arena to see Lebron and company beat the Bobkitties, featuring the miraculous stache of Gonzaga?  Probably not a lot.

But in another contest, our US presidential election, the media feels quite comfortable telling us “this thing is over, Barack Obama has already won”.

Millions of Americans, who look at Yahoo’s home page every day, are presented with this graphic:

A casual observer (also known as a “voter”) looks at this graphic and says “I guess this thing is over.  I’d be wasting my time to go and vote for McCain, plus, it would make me a LOSER.  I guess I’ll stay home and watch According to Jim. ”  (Note:  This will also make you a loser.)

You may remember, back in 2000, George W. Bush’s disputed win in Florida, was originally called by TV networks as a Gore win, which presumably tipped the presidential election to the tree-hugging Tennessee robot.  The problem was, voting booths in parts of Florida HADN’T EVEN CLOSED YET, meaning the networks were not just wrong (literally), they were wrong (morally).  Again, the message to Republicans was “you might as well stay home, your guy lost.” 

Mark Twain was fond of Disraeli’s quote “‘there are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.'”  If we’ve learned anything in presidential politics, it’s that for all the effort put into polling, it’s a snapshot, and nothing more

Back in my college days, I thought I’d coast past the math requirement, by taking Statistics.  How hard could it be?  Recently, I came across the following statistics story problem:

“You take a simple random sample of 1000 balls from an urn containing 120,000,000 red and blue balls, and your sample shows 450 red balls and 550 blue balls. Construct a 95% confidence interval for the true proportion of blue balls in the urn.”

“the correct formula is: 95% confidence interval for P = p +/- 1.96 * sqrt( p*(1-p) / n) * FPC”

Seeing this problem brought back the SHEER TERROR I felt in that class…in other tough courses like Philosophy or Biology, at least I felt like I had a chance.  But Statistics 125?  My main reaction was “what in the hell are they talking about?”  I’d flip the pages in the book over and over again, for hours, and get absolutely nothing out of it.  I was helpless. 

So I respect anyone who understands this stuff.  But the numbers don’t mean a thing, if the underlying data is unreliable.

Treating adults like children…

October 29, 2008

You may have noticed, in the wall-to-wall coverage afforded the triple-murder of singer Jennifer Hudson’s relatives, that the killings are almost universally referred to as a “tragedy“.  I’ve always understood the word “tragedy” to mean a random unfortunate happening, like getting hit by lightning, or an Ashley Judd film.  The word tragedy suggests to me something that is, by definition, the polar opposite of pre-meditated murder.

So why does everyone involved here, including the person who brutally shot and killed a 13 year old boy, get a pass?   In fact “The Insider” says “he was killed due to gunshot wounds“.  (And who knows where the bullets came from?  Perhaps from outer space!)

It’s kind of like the way nice parents treat a clumsy retarded kid when he spills his milk.  “It’s not your fault” says the nice mom.  “That mean old table is crooked!” 

And it seems Barack Obama, the man who may be our next president, is getting similar treatment.  It’s obvious that the mainstream media (so influential with older Americans) and the entertainment industry (so influential with younger Americans) are intent on treating Obama like a special child who needs to be coddled.  They refuse to submit him to “embarassing questions” about any of the these important issues: 

1.  His involvement with Acorn and fraudulent voting.

2.  The tens of millions of dollars given to his campaign from donors he won’t identify, much of it coming from overseas.

3.  His citizenship and whether or not he was born on US soil.

4.  His ties to domestic terrorist William Ayers.

5.  His ties to at least one Palestinian radical.

6.  His 20 year relationship with radical preacher Jeremiah Wright.

7.  His college transcript, which he won’t release.  His wife’s writings in college, which he won’t release.

8.  His party’s involvement in using government resources in Ohio to investigate “Joe the Plumber

Obama gets a pass on this and more, and we can assume, if he’s elected, he’ll get a pass on just about anything and everything, as well.  Because he’s a special little baby.

And a president who is unaccountable, is dangerous.  We’re not talking about some dopey celebrity dancing show here, where everyone gets a warm fuzzy when a creaky old broad goes out there and tries to “dance”.  This is the future of Western Civilization we’re talking about.  And a lot of Americans seem more interested in getting that warm fuzzy, than ensuring our nation’s future.

Spring ahead, fall into depression…

October 28, 2008


Is it just me, or does it seem like EVERY SINGLE THING IN THE WORLD SEEMS TO BE GOING WRONG?  And I’m not just talking about the World Series.  In the news, there’s the financial, uh hiccup, Obama’s getting backrubs and high-fives from the “media”, and remarkably tubby men are getting chicks.  (And I’m not.)  Oh, and Led Zeppelin might go on tour and make a record, with a stunt cucumber in Robert Plant’s place.

Or perhaps it’s just the season to be sad.  Some claim to suffer from seasonal affective disorder, a malady that doctors have categorized in the needus modollas family of disorders, along with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, (also known as not feeling like going to work).

I was interested to learn that some doctors treat SAD with light therapy, presenting the likelihood that somewhere, right now, a doctor is saying “after four years of undergraduate work, four years of medical school, and four years of specialized training, it is my considered opinion, that you should buy a lamp.”

During my time in Alaska, where days grow desperately short, it seemed that folks preferred booze therapy, which is often followed by making it with your cousin therapy, which is not recommended by the AMA, nor, surprisingly, the Academy of Country Music.

Oh well, cheer up, the NBA season starts tonight, and they don’t start fixing the games until the playoffs.  And if you’d prefer to cheer down, here’s a sad, but well-researched and written story, about a guy who gave up.

McCain Pollsters in Dead Heat with Obama Pollsters

October 24, 2008

Recent polling shows Americans who believe the pollsters that show Obama is leading, lead the pollsters who show McCain in a dead heat, by just two percentage points, within the +/- 3% margin of error.

These contradictory polls confuse us, because without reliable information about who is ahead, how are we supposed to know whom to vote for?   We’re already befuddled; tens of thousands of Americans are still sitting in stunned silence, wondering why the Boston Red Sox aren’t playing baseball on their televisions. 

And without accurate information about who’s leading in these races, and by how much, how are elections officials supposed to know exactly how much fraud to commit?  Felons AND dead people, or just felons?  And should they limit the vote to illegal aliens currently IN the country, or should they also include those who mail in absentee ballots from Oaxaca?   It’s all very confusing.

Of course absentee ballots make the fraud much easier…as you know baby boomers can’t be bothered to leave their ridiculous overbuilt homes to vote (further cementing their legacy as “The Lamest Generation“.)  And you may have seen the Drudge Link last week that shows Californians are now voting at DRIVE THRUs.  There is little doubt in my mind, that some politicos see absentee ballot voting as a “gateway” to internet voting. 

Of course, the media can’t be bothered with any of these minor matters, they’re concerned with more important thingsThey aren’t interested in reporting that Obama and his party are responsible for the housing crisis, and are not interested in reporting that McCain fought to reign in the abuses at Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac that led to it.

All of this has me in a funk.  This seems the most reasonable choice, at this point.  (Hic.)

Opie-ate of the masses

October 23, 2008

No matter which way you lean politically, this is pretty awesome.

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!

October 22, 2008

Every 4 years, our great nation, diverse in race, religion, and aliveness, comes together to vote for the person, usually a caucasian man, who we can stand to look at occasionally, as we surf past the news on our way to Flavor Flav.   

One of the more entertaining subplots to this pointless exercise, is the nearly mandatory BOMBSHELL revelation, a la the Bush drunk driving fiasco (before the 2000 election), and the John Kerry is a department store dummy with a head carved from a tree stump scandal of 2004.  I’m guessing in the coming weeks the talking heads on the TV news channels will be jabbering mindlessly about one or more “October Surprises“, in between boner advertisements.

October surprise possibilities:

1.  Barack Obama is a Zoroastrian.

2.  John McCain once killed a man…with his smile.

3.  Cindy McCain has a vibrator she calls “Barry Goldwater“.

4.  Barack Obama once admitted that his favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla.

5.  Joe Biden makes love on a regular basis.

6.  Barack Obama hates Sanford and Son.

7.  John McCain refused to leave a North Vietnamese prison until Carly Simon admitted that “You’re So Vain” was about Warren Beatty.

8.  Sarah Palin once choked a bear to death with her thighs.

9.  Barack Obama is 1/16th Armenian, (but 100% dreamy)!

10. Joe Biden once challenged a blind man to a staring contest.

11. John McCain says he will solve the financial crisis by starting the early-bird special at 10:30 in the morning.

I’m voting for this guy.

Morton’s Fork, and the busboy licked it

October 20, 2008

Morton’s Fork is one of those fancy-schmancy references that means “making a choice between two equally disagreeable options”.   And if you’re a small-government conservative like I am, it’s easy to see our 2008 presidential choice presenting exactly that kind of dilemma. 

Though both candidates have positive qualities (McCain – war hero, Obama – young historic pick), the thought of casting a ballot for either one of these guys, seems like a choice between two movies, each 4 years long, and directed by the Wayans Brothers’ grampa.

John McCain’s critics like to say voting for him is voting for four more years of Bush, and I agree.  Four more years of George H. W. Bush (41), that is; McCain is about as conservative as Bill Clinton was nervous around girls.  McCain sees the profligate government spending of the George W. Bush era and says “I can do better!” meaning a federal deficit of 6% of our GDP can’t be too far behind.  Yesterday, on Fox News Sunday, John McCain said his answer to the “housing crisis“, is to use federal money to REWRITE PEOPLE’S MORTGAGES to reflect their new (lower) value.  (This is where your narrarator gets a little unhinged.) 


So it’s clear that McCain, (like George W. Bush encouraging home ownership, one reason we’re in this mess), is a man who is very generous with other people’s money.  And because McCain is so anxious to please the people who slam him every chance they get (Letterman, SNL), he’s also likely to use the George Bush 41 method for picking Supreme Court justices, which means picking guys like David Souter.  Bleah.

Barack Obama seems like a nice enough fellow, bright, and thoughtful.  But his policies have placed him atop the National Journal’s list of most liberal Senators, two places in front of his VP pick Joe Biden, and three places in front of Socialist Bernie Sanders of Vermont.  Add to that the $150 Million handed to the Obama campaign in September (Obama broke his promise not to opt out of McCain’s public financing system), and it’s clear that folks will be lining up for their payback.  So a vote for Obama is a vote for gay marriage, a vote against secret ballots for union membership, and a vote for higher taxes for most people, (despite Mr. Obama’s eye-rolling rhetoric).

And if you’re wondering how teachers and other government workers will react to Obama being elected, here it is.

Christmas in November.  The Grinch says no.

I am the stupidest man on the face of the earth.

October 17, 2008

So I met this lovely young woman in a bar a month or so ago, and it turns out she takes her clothes off for a living.  Being a naturally curious person, (yeah right), I enjoyed talking with her about her hopes, dreams, and underwear.  Turns out, she is also a stand up comic.  We talked about this, and I told her that I had tried stand-up and was exceptionally un-funny.  I think my stategery was to appear vulnerable.  I also may have asked her about her relationship with her father, I don’t remember.

Anyway, she texted me today to tell me that she’s doing a big show at the Bagdad (correct spelling) tonight, a big room to do comedy (or anything).  I called and wished her luck, and suggested she shouldn’t be nervous.  It was only later that I realized how ridiculous it was for me to tell her that.  This is a woman who TAKES HER CLOTHES OFF in front of strangers for a living!  This is a woman who walks up to horny weirdos, turns around, bends over, and winks at them BETWEEN HER KNEES.  (Certain men desperately looking for a link, at this point).

I’m guessing she won’t be nervous.

Uh, pee freaks, uh welcome, I guess…

October 16, 2008

In my initial post (below), I made a passing reference (no pun intended) to urinating in a pool.  Unfortunately, according to some rather unsavory e-mails I’ve received, that reference has attracted some folks who have a “special interest” in that, uh,  activity.  Because I am new to this blogging game, I am in no position to turn away new readers, so I guess, I’ll include a link to this story, which takes place at the unlikely-named “Pewaukee High”.  Today, they’re having Mac & Cheese for lunch, YUM!  Looks like things haven’t changed all that much since I was in high school…I see sloppy joes on the menu.  Gee, I can almost taste the hair in my mouth now.

Back in high school, I thought it was great when we were allowed to go “off campus” for lunch our senior year.  I think it was the school’s way of saying “psssst…we know, the food sucks here”.  (Some of my readers’ ears just perked up when they heard “psssst”.)  Back in 1999, a Washington D.C. principal took a different approach, selling pizzas to students, and building up a $44,000 slush fund with the money he made from it.  

And since we’re on the subject of school lunches, there’s a website called lunchlady.com, where there is an unfortunate photo of Tina Turner, who was apparently just trying to eat lunch.  I’m guessing this lunchlady place is a restaurant somewhere, exactly where, I’m not sure because it doesn’t say anyplace on this fansite.  (Apparently, they were too busy working on the web design.)  Their phone number puts them in Alameda County, west of the bay area in California.  Oh wait, I guess my snarkiness is misplaced…there’s an inspiring story behind it all.  Feh.  Oh and also, there’s an entire page of phone messages from people who “love the lunch lady” (this nation is remarkably bored), and this one is particularly sad.  Almost makes me think about quittin’ drinkin’.  Almost.

Thoughts of high school, and high school romance gave me a reason to visit the wonderful foundmagazine.com site, where I discovered this touching love note, crumpled wonderfully on notebook paper.  (Nice signature, Jonathan!)

And How(e)!

October 15, 2008

I was feeding the inner prog fan today, and found this nicely rendered video (looks and sounds great) on YouTube, featuring the Yes-related band Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe.
Nice vocal performance by Jon Anderson (and recording of same)
Wakeman’s ripping piano close (and not clothes, see next)
Howe so badass, he needs TWO guitars
Anderson’s pantlegs NOT tucked into short white vinyl boots
Cartwheeling caveman thong alert
Radio edit, por favor
Fishlessness* (a “bassless” criticism)
“Long Lost Brother of Mine” excessively peppy

I remember (sorta) being at a party in 1989, and insisting on turning up their “new” video, (back when MTV played videos).  I got some razzing from the cooler dudes in the room…I think they would have preferred Elvis Costello, and in retrospect, they probably had a point.

Speaking of ABWH, I always thought this was a really pretty song.
BTW, here’s an oddity…Asia, from 2006…playing ROUNDABOUT!  (John Wetton doesn’t look thrilled.)

Lastly, as Wikipedia reminded me, the snotty (but funny) group The Dead Milkmen played a long forgotten song, “Anderson, Walkman, Buttholes And How!”.  Not a compliment.

Oh yeah, and since I just linked to the Dead Milkmen song “Punk Rock Girl”, I might as well include this link

Mojo Nixon was in my 1982 Toyota Cressida (thanks Grandma!) once.  Oh well, another story, for another day…

*Yes uber-bassist Chris Squire, aka “the Fish”, is not in ABWH.

The Great One, Tricky Dick, some aliens…

October 15, 2008

I was inspired to read up on The Hustler (1961), after seeing it today for the first time.   Paul Newman plays young pool shark Fast Eddie Felson, and Jackie Gleason is Felson’s “white whale” Minnesota Fats.  Gleason really didn’t do a heck of a lot of acting in the movie, yet still got an Academy Award nomination for his effort.  (Did you know the real pool champion known as Minnesota Fats named himself AFTER GLEASON’S CHARACTER, not the other way around?  True story.)

Anyhoo, I was intrigued to find out Gleason had an abiding interest in UFOs, and according to Wikipedia:

He even had a house built in the shape of a UFO which he named “The Mothership“.[3] Gleason was a good friend of U.S. President Richard Nixon and, one day, while the two were playing golf together, the subject of UFOs came up. Nixon said little at the time but, later that day; he took Gleason with him on a special visit to Homestead Air Force Base. There, Gleason allegedly witnessed dead extra-terrestrials. Gleason’s wife told the full story in an interview with Esquire magazine.

BTW, I really want to see Gigot, one of Gleason’s pet projects (and a legendary flop).  Gleason wrote the story and starred (as a deaf mute), and though he wanted his friend Orson Welles to direct, the studio rejected Welles, and instead it was helmed by dance legend Gene Kelly.

One last word on Gleason.  Modern Drunkard magazine named him “the greatest boozer of all time”.

Behold Bloggerrhea!

October 14, 2008

Being a man of keen insight, I observed a World Wide Web CHOKED with pointless, meandering blogs, and concluded this:  one more.

And so, like a lazy 7 year old boy, I will pee in this particular pool, and recommend that you let the chlorine that is your good judgment, determine whether or not you dive in.

(You’ll notice the water is slightly warmer next to me.)